My 3rd decade I found myself.
My twenties were fun, confusing, and at times depressing. I had a few relationships with lovely down-to-earth country boys. Relationships I imploded given the slightest chance. I was comfortably making my way through uni with very little attendance. I had lost my drive. I was a little fish in a very big sea. Assessments were prepped for in late night cramming sessions. Amazingly, I still graduated with honours.
I played A grade squash and touch football. But never to the standard I could have or should have. I was nowhere near fit enough, nor focussed enough.
My sister and I had shared a bedroom during my first seventeen years. Neither did so willingly. But in this decade, we became inseparable. We filled the years with fun, laughter, and lifelong memories. We drank, we danced (correction she danced), and eventually… we travelled. We lived together for many of these years both in Australia and abroad.
I secured a great job straight out of uni. I joined the cardiac team at The Prince Charles Hospital as a Perfusionist. It was to be a gap year or two whilst I planned to undertake my GAMSAT exams and study medicine. The sneak peek into the hierarchical world of doctors was enough to kill that idea. A definite DNR. I was becoming lost. No drive, no goals, no plan. I felt like I was going through the motions.
I started studying my masters in finance. I had enjoyed my undergraduate finance courses, so it seemed a logical move. I also loved making money, so surely I was on to something. I started to apply myself again, intensified my study, and for twelve months studied and worked full time. Sometimes, at the same time. I saw glimpses of the old me, but something was still amiss.
I had a serious relationship which was heading where serious relationships head. We’d travelled the world together and bought a home together. Two weeks after the moving van pulled away, I packed up and left. He didn’t like that I drank Bacardi after getting home from the gym. I didn’t like that view. But still, my head was spinning and my spirit broken. I no longer knew what was driving me. I was sad and confused.
I quit my job, rallied my sister, arranged to finish my studies in France, and took off to Europe. My time in Reims was happy and sad. I met amazing people and had a fantastic experience. But every night I would lay in the dark and cry myself to sleep. Every single one.
I found joy in travelling with Kristy. Our many weeks in Italy were filled with mischief and fun. We toured like tourists and drank and ate like locals. We spent weeks with family in the Abruzzo hilltops, and had love affairs on the Amalfi Coast. At least that’s how we romanticised it. Remember your ‘Gregory Peck’ Kristy Vacher?
With the masters finished I settled in London. I got my Heathrow injection (20 kilos or so) and hit the unemployment queues. I trained and worked as a futures trader. It barely paid enough in cash to eat and sleep, and enough in adrenaline to outweigh the depression. Once again, little sis kept me afloat. I honed my trade and as the golden handcuffs were tightening, I left my trading desk and bought a one-way ticket home. To sunshine. To something more.
Professionally, I found an interest in energy trading. I was in a GOC which was incredibly debilitating. Not quite the work ethic as my London trading desk. But it involved new markets and large industrial clients, whom I found aligned to my ethos. I had found my people. I studied the market, soaked up knowledge, and worked hard for my clients. I learnt quickly. Within twelve months I walked away from my highest salary ever to pursue my own energy management business. I thought to myself, “I’ve got this”. I was right.
Personally, I was starting to face my reality. I started to realise that coming out to myself took the better part of the entire decade. I was back living by myself, with plenty of time to peel back the layers. I tried to date men, but I knew my fate. I looked back on pivotal moments and thoughts through my teens and twenties, and finally I embraced my truth. I told two people, then a third.
The fog lifted. I had found myself.
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