Ah February, the month of love.
February 14 has long been the day in the calendar associated with romantic love. Regardless of which historical version of Valentine’s Day you subscribe to, this day is now undeniably the day marked in the calendar to celebrate the one we love. Whether you do that by buying into the commercial hype that comes with it, or with a much more understated approach (pick me!), there’s rarely a person who doesn’t acknowledge the person they love in some way on this day.
For me, February literally is my month of love. I have (romantically) loved two women my entire life. Both came to me in February.
The first I met on 15 February 2008. My “coming out” love I had waited so very long for. We shared 12 years together, 10 years married, and 3 beautiful children. She was the love I would have stood beside until my last day. We would raise our children together. Until we wouldn’t.
The second I started seeing on 21 February 2020, shared over 2 years together, and were engaged to be married. I can’t explain why, but she was the love that I dreamed of growing old with. We would laugh, play cards, potter in the garden, lay on the beach, smash out gym sessions, go for walks, watch trashy Netflix shows, and wrap ourselves up in each other every night. She was my person. Until she wasn’t.
So here I am on 14 February 2023, single. Partially broken. Partially in the best condition of my life. Working my ass off to create a bigger and better version of myself, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Desperately trying to hold on to a positive view of love, and of myself. Both of which are increasingly difficult in light of my spectacular failures ‘in love’.
Knowing in my heart of hearts that only I hold all the cards and know all the answers to one of life’s most complicated games.
My ode to love.
As much as you love to love, your heart is heavy. Your spirit broken. Your mind left madly trying to identify ways to put everything back as it should be. As you want it to be.
You have foolishly looked to others for a short cut to happiness, and in the process have been delivered further blows.
Unhealed wounds respond poorly, serving a cruel reminder that this journey will be long, and best achieved slowly. Steadily.
With every map outlining the same direction, you are left with no choice but to travel inward. To navigate a path to your relationship with self.
You ask yourself questions that are confronting and exceptionally difficult to answer. As your greatest critic, the answers rarely come at all.
Self-love alludes you, and every attempt to secure it leaves you facing an increasing sense of emptiness.
You look up and the path continues to extend into the darkness, but you know you need to keep moving towards it.
Because beyond the darkness you imagine the light. The love of love shining bright.
But most importantly, the love of self, embracing you. Encapsulating you and your heart with a warmth only you can create. Repairing your spirit.
Continuing to nurture you on your journey through this one beautiful life.
When you will once again shine bright with happiness and hope.
Happy to stand behind the person you have created. The family you nurture. And the friend you deliver.
Hope that you will, one day, let love in again.
Happiest of Valentine’s days to you and yours. I truly hope that regardless of your status in love, your greatest love sits within you.
Much love, S x
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