Loneliness is not a feeling related to our external environment, but rather comes from within.
I had a conversation with a dear friend recently about loneliness. She was feeling lonely in the wake of a recent break-up. A feeling she had experienced often since the breakdown of her marriage a few years prior. She asked me if I felt lonely. Specifically, she referred to the time since my relationship had ended six months ago, and when my three boys go to my ex-wife’s home with both dogs in tow. I was confident in replying that at no time during this period did I feel lonely. Then she asked me something I didn’t quite know how to answer in that moment. She asked me, why?
I thought about our conversation. Mostly, I thought about this question. My fiancé had left, leading me to experience some of my darkest days. My three children and two dogs leave me alone in my home every second week. Why at no time did I genuinely not experience loneliness?
On the drive home that night everything crystallised in my thoughts. I do not believe that loneliness is a feeling related to our external environment. I believe it comes from within.
I have never in my life felt lonelier than in the final four months with my fiancé (former partner). She was physically with me all the time. We trained together, worked together, ate together, and slept together. We did everything together. But the way she existed within the space around me and treated me in those final months, created so much confusion, chaos, and hurt within me that I felt desperately alone. No matter how much I tried to communicate how much I was hurting, she invalidated my feelings and went on the offensive to attack my character. She gas lit me. I have never experienced anywhere near the depth of loneliness that I did during this time. I was aching with it.
From the day I asked my partner to get out of my life, that intense feeling of loneliness went with her. It was replaced by an entire world of hurt associated with me losing someone that I loved so deeply. With me trying to understand where it all went so wrong, and what I had done for her to commence her discard and gaslighting of me. How I had lost a love that had previously given me so much happiness, hope, and pleasure. But at not time did I feel lonely.
This wasn’t because of the company of my boys, or my friends or family, who were there to fill the physical void that was left behind when my partner left. It was because I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I always have me. That’s right, me. Myself. I know that I can show up every single day for me. I can present a human to the world, to my kids, to my friends and family, to my staff, work peers, and even to random strangers. I can present a human that is decent, kind, generous, loving, considerate, and innately authentic. I have grown, nurtured, and developed (through constant setbacks, fuck ups, and shit decisions) a version of myself I can be proud of, and whom I can proudly present to the world. And whilst I have her, and this belief in myself, how could I ever be lonely?
I would ask you, just as I asked my friend in the aftermath of our conversation, to take the time to reflect on the human you have created. What you bring to the world and all those people who get to be a part of your life. My friend is a gorgeous human who I could confidently challenge to come up with one trait, one characteristic, one behaviour, anything at all that negatively depicts the human that she is. I asked that she pat herself on the back and own the feeling that she had when reflecting on the person she brings to the table. To acknowledge all the wonderful qualities she brings her children, her family, friends, colleagues, random strangers, and yes, to herself! Lonely my ass I say!!!
Should a partner come into your life to enhance what you already bring to the table, great! Enjoy every moment of that. It does feel amazing to share your mind, body, and soul with another person. It's magical! But this is the icing on what should already be a very delicious cake. If you want the cake to taste better, don’t just look to cover it with icing. Look to change the ingredients or process that make the damn cake! Do everything you can to love yourself first. To love everything about yourself!!
My friend spoke about a few things during our conversation, some of which I’ll reflect on now because I strongly believe they all impact our inner peace and contribute to feelings such as loneliness. If you love yourself lighter, lose the weight. If you love yourself heavier, put on some size. Make the choices you know you need to make to create the version of yourself you will love (and respect) more. If you feel shit about yourself for the job you wake up to every day, take action today to change that job or your mindset towards it! It may take time to implement change but starting can happen now. Changing your mindset can commence immediately. Do it today. Every day you walk into that job after you start, you’ll be happier. You will be happier in knowing that you are taking action to change something that is otherwise negatively impacting the human you are. The job is likely to become more pleasant during this time. You may even grow to love the job again. Or you find a new job. Ultimately your proactive action is paving the way to inner peace and happiness. This is not a place where loneliness lives.
In a world that is full of challenges and choices, please choose to make yourself the version of you that will ensure that you will never ever feel lonely. I have been reading a book called Welcome Home, by Najwa Zebian. Najwa guides you to building a home for your soul. Build that home for your soul inside yourself. Love every inner and outer inch of yourself and enjoy all the goodness that comes your way as a result.
Perfect that fucking cake. Make icing optional. Ensure that the icing needs to be so equally amazing to have the privilege to add to the cake.
Life is far too short to rely on others for happiness. We can’t even look to our treasured children for this. It isn’t fair on them, and it isn’t fair on us. If you love yourself, I guarantee loneliness is the one shitty feeling that you won’t experience. And we can all do with one less negative feeling to navigate. Rely on the one person who is always there. Always around. The one person who isn’t going anywhere. Yourself!
Much love, S x
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