“She was there to sacrifice and serve.”

Last year was a learning journey. By the end of it I had come up with eight steps for healthier relationships, with self and with others.

I’m going to reflect on two of these, both focused on boundaries.

1. Setting boundaries

2. Caring with boundaries

“Boundaries are the secret to life” I now tell my gents. But how did I reach 44 years of age and not know this?

When I think about it, growing up on a farm meant I fundamentally relied on my parents to teach me the concept of boundaries. Anyone who knows a farmer and the dynamic with a farmer’s wife will know that you’d probably struggle to find someone more unfit for this life lesson.

I’m not sure I could think of a single example of my mother setting or protecting a boundary. She was there to sacrifice and serve. It sounds terrible to even type that. But I would challenge anyone to describe it any different. I grew up under a woman that put everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. Who dared not speak up when lines were blurred or crossed. Who seemed so damn strong and resilient that in hindsight she could easily have been superhuman. She gave “shut up and get on with it” an entirely new meaning.

Many years later, and I now know my mother is not superhuman. Like many in her generation, she’s a product of her time and her circumstance. And she’s a victim. She’s a victim of missing boundaries she never set, and broken boundaries she never voiced.

But we live in another time. A new generation. A different environment. A time where even a family on a remote farm can connect with the world via the internet and social media. Boundaries to the 2020’s are like Google to the late 1990’s. There’s a fundamental shift in how the world operates. People are learning about them, setting them, and protecting them. Relationships are changing because of them. And whilst divorce rates are probably climbing in positive correlation to them, I am certain that once we are better equipped to live our lives with them, we will develop and maintain healthier relationships because of them.

Boundaries protect the essence of who we are and what we value. They are the ultimate tool in self-love and self-care. They ensure people interact with us appropriately, and without adversely compromising our inner health. Our feelings, our mental health, our nervous system, and our spirit are all protected in some way by healthy boundaries.

The challenge as I learn the concept of implementing and living my life with boundaries, is doing so whilst maintaining a high level of care, compassion, and selflessness. My mother taught me these too, and I value them highly. I see people post memes and quotes on social media that deliver boundaries with a coldness or cruelness that quite frankly is scary. Whilst a boundary should protect your inner health, it shouldn’t do so at the expense of another’s. How a boundary is expressed and implemented becomes as important as the boundary itself.

Navigating the discovery, implementation, and ongoing practice of boundaries with care, compassion, and selflessness at the ripe old age of 44 is both daunting and challenging. I know that I will get it wrong, often. But with an acute awareness of the importance of boundaries, and how I can only strengthen my many relationships with the appropriate management of them, it’s a learning curve I’m willing to traverse. Afterall, with three young men rapidly growing around me, the student needs to become the teacher… and fast.

Much love, S.